Men's Rights
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Wendy starts a pretty serious protest for recognition of women's rights at South Park Elementary. Naturally, Cartman starts a protest for men's rights. Candy one-shot! Read & review if you like!


(A/N: I STARTED WRITING THIS BEFORE PC PRINCIPAL GOT IN CHARGE OF THE SCHOOL, OKAY? FIRST MY ADVENTURE TIME STORY AND NOW THIS)

* * *

Fellas! FELLAS!" Butters exclaimed, dashing down the hallway. As usual, he was running around, screaming for his "friends" to tell them about something stupid. He found them all in the cafeteria. "FEEELLAS!"

" _Whaaat,_ Butters?" asked an irritated Stan.

"Wendy's protesting in the hallway again!" Butters told them. "She seems awful sore!"

"So? She's probably just PMSing like she is EVERY goddamn day. She's, like, the girl version of Stan. Except not a total pussy, so I guess that makes her the girl version of Kahl," said Cartman, not catching the glares the two super best friends shot him.

"But she's real mad this time!" Butters went on. "She kicked Clyde square in his balls!"

Everyone at the table tensed up.

"And...what did Clyde do?" Kyle asked cautiously.

"I think he's still lyin' on the ground! That kick looked right painful, it did..."

All at once, Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy and Token stood from the table and followed Butters to Wendy's location.

By the time the seven of them arrived, a small crowd of students had gathered around Wendy, who was holding a megaphone and standing on a soapbox. As Butters said, Clyde was still on the hallway floor, clutching his crushed crotch.

"Anybody else feeling tough?!" challenged Wendy.

"Jesus Christ, Wendy!" Stan blurted out. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Just what the hell is wrong with the boys at this school?!" Wendy continued. "Why do you all have to be so fucking ignorant?!"

"M...My...balls..." Clyde croaked out.

"Yep, definitely PMSing..." Token muttered. Unfortunately, Wendy heard him.

"Another thing!" she continued to rant, stomping in the black boy's direction. "Why do you all think the only reason a girl gets pissed off is because she's on her period?! NOT THE CASE, ASSHOLES! Maybe we're pissed off because you're all so fucking ignorant!"

"YEAH!" most of the girls in area cheered as Wendy reassumed her position on the soapbox and Token grasped his chest.

Cartman spotted Principal Victoria nearby. "UH, why the hell are you letting this go on?"

"There's really no rule against this sort of thing, Eric," the principal sighed before waving a finger at the group. "Maybe this will teach you boys to treat the girls with some respect for a change!"

Cartman raised his eyebrows. "...excuse me, _respect?_ As in R-E-S-P-E-C-T, _respect?_ "

"That's right," she replied before walking off.

"Respect..." the fat boy shook his head in disbelief. "These bitches have lost their minds."

Kyle crossed his arms, getting a negative vibe from this whole ordeal. "And just what do you hope to gain from this?"

Wendy unnecessarily used the megaphone again. "I'm going to stand out and protest here until you all come to your senses and stop being sexist jerks!"

"YEAH!" the girls shouted again.

Wendy grinned at the encouragement. "And all the girls are going to rally with me until that happens!"

"O-Oh..." the girls began dispersing. "Would you look at the time...?"

"FINE!" growled Wendy. " _Fuck_ you! I can do this on my own!" As the bell rang, she turned to the boys, who flinched. "Gentlemen, I shall continue my protest after class."

They all watched her go.

"This is another ridiculous thing that'll go nowhere, isn't it?" Kyle remarked.

"I give her a w-week," said Jimmy.

"I give her half an hour," added Token.

Butters knelt down. "Guys, we gotta check and see if Clyde's balls are okay!"

"Don't make it gay, Butters."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As expected, right after class, Wendy was out in the halls shouting again. At first, everyone either didn't care or laughed it off, but halfway through the day, this got on Cartman's nerves.

"That's it, you guys," he announced to his friends. "I am gonna march over there and put that chick in her place."

"Yeah, right," scoffed Kyle. "What are you gonna do, Falcon Punch her in the boob like you said you would an hour ago?" (Kenny laughed at that.)

"...maybe!"

"Look, just give it a couple of days, and Wendy will chill out. If you go over there now, you're just going to make an ass of yourself."

"I'M GOIN' FOR IT!"

With that, Cartman stomped his way over to Wendy.

"Hey, skank!" he bellowed. "Get off of that box already! Screaming about your issues isn't gonna make them go away!"

"OH, YEAH?!" she used the megaphone for emphasis, then dropped it. "I'm not just letting this go! You guys have got to start respecting women's rights!"

"Oh, yeah?!" Cartman shot back.

"YEAH!"

"Well, what about men's rights?"

" _Men's_ rights? Are you joking?"

Cartman noticed a crowd forming around he and Wendy. He stepped up onto the soapbox, forcing Wendy to back up quite a bit.

"Did I stutter?" he continued. "Did it ever occur to you bitches that maybe we don't give you any respect because you haven't earned it? That maybe, just maybe, you need to give before you can get?"

"Yeah!" Butters pumped his fist. "Go, Eric!"

Wendy was ready to rebut. "Men don't get their rights taken away! Women are the ones who are forced to fight for their rights all the time, and it's because you bastards never give them to US! Don't try making a protest out of nothing!"

"Hey, that's exactly what _you're_ doing!" Cartman poked her in the chest. "Ya know what? Just for that, I AM going to fight for men's rights! And all mah boys will back me up!"

He turned around to see that everyone had gone to their next class.

"...and none of mah boys will back me up! But I don't need those assholes anyway! Also, I need to borrow this," Cartman snatched the box right from beneath Wendy's feet.

Principal Victoria approached. "Hey, hey, hey hey hey! Eric Cartman, just what do you think you're doing?!"

Cartman hobbled over to the row of lockers opposite Wendy and tried to get comfortable atop the box. "I am protesting, madam! That's right! Men's rights are a thing, and this school needs to give it recognition!"

The principal put a hand to her forehead and sighed. "Eric, you don't really care about men's rights."

"Yeah, I do!"

"You just want to start a feud with Wendy. Again! I don't get why you always have to do this!"

"Because I feel like it, okay?"

Principal Victoria just turned and walked away. "I'm really getting too old for all this crap..."

Cartman turned and gave Wendy an "I'm watching you" look. She gave it right back.

"I'm watching you, Wendy."

"I can see that, you fat sack."

"Y'KNOW WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!"

"FUCK you!" yelled Cartman, sticking his tongue out and flipping her off.

Wendy did the the same. "Fuck YOU, asshole!"

The bell rang, interrupting their little dispute.

"We'll finish this after class!" Wendy called over, yanking her backpack off of the floor.

As she turned to leave, Cartman said under his breath, "I am so in love with you right now."

Wendy turned around. "What?"

Cartman gave her the bird once more. "You heard me, bitch, fuck you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Cartman and Wendy got right back to their posts after class and screamed at the kids getting ready to head home.

"MEN NEED THEIR RIGHTS FIRST!"

"STOP BEING SEXIST PIGS!"

Stan came up to them. "Guys, I'm going home like everybody else. If either of you give a single solitary shit about me, you'll stop this and walk with me."

"I'm not walking with you if this bigoted idiot is!" scoffed Wendy.

"And I'm not going if Wendy's going!" snorted Cartman.

Stan let out a sigh. "Why can't you guys just get along?"

"NO! You don't get it!" Cartman stomped over to Stan and gestured to the steaming Wendy. "You see this girl right here? She is a BI- -...no. Not just a bitch! She's a...some kinda she-beast from hell! Okay, Stan? She transcends bitchiness! And she needs to be taken down a peg this time! She's crossed the bullshit line! Other times, it didn't really affect me, so I didn't care, but this time, it's personal!"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Cartman. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe."

"'Maybe', what do you mean?"

"Y'know, if Wendy doesn't kill you in your sleep."

Stan left, and Cartman and Wendy were suddenly alone in the school.

"...alright, okay!" Cartman said suddenly. "I can outlast you! It doesn't take a pro to beat a girl at standing ground!"

"A protest isn't about outlasting people, it's about who gets their point across better!" Wendy called out to him. "You would know that if you ever actually did one."

"AY! Do I need to pop you in the mouth?"

"How about you come over here and try?! It doesn't take a pro to kick your ass!"

Cartman was about to shout a retort that would've gotten half of his ribs broken, so he closed his mouth before any noise could escape it. "Alright. Okay. I'll concede that that's true. But, fuckin', uh...I'm still gonna win!"

"...sure," huffed Wendy. And she sat on the floor, just waiting for time to go by.

Cartman took a seat atop his little box, glaring impatiently at the clock.

He hated Wendy Testaburger SO damn much. And yeah, he knew that she hated him too, but that was beside the point.  
And the point was that Cartman didn't hate Wendy because he thought she was a bitch, or because she always had to be so perfect, or because of anything that had to do with Stan. Well, he did hate her for those things, but not nearly as much as his purpose for constantly bombarding her with insults and vandalizing almost anything having to do with her.

Cartman hated Wendy Testaburger because he LIKED her.

He remembered the evening after the big flag debate, he went home and cried his eyes out. He had thought that Wendy really liked him, she'd even kissed him! Cartman allowed himself to like her back, but that was a big mistake, and he never forgave Wendy for breaking his heart.

Still, he couldn't lie to himself and say that he'd completely gotten over what he felt for Wendy. Everything he liked about her before, he still liked. He liked _her._ And all those insults were his way of coping with that, he supposed. If only everything he said about her was true, if she really was the horrible person Cartman made her out to be, then he wouldn't like her anymore.

But he did. So here he was, staying after school, staring at that- -

"What are you staring at?" spat Wendy.

Cartman hadn't even noticed that his gaze had drifted from the clock to Wendy. He turned away.

"Nothing!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey. W-W-Wake up!"

"Huh?!" Cartman woke with a start. He couldn't see anything, just pitch blackness. "What the- -?!"

"Wh-Where are you?" Wendy's voice came again. She sounded so small and frightened, such a difference from her tone not too long ago.

"...I'm to your right!" Cartman lied.

"...OW!" Wendy had walked straight into a locker. "That's not funny, you dick!"

Cartman enjoyed his little joke, then really took note of the situation. "What the hell is going on?"

"We got locked in the school," explained Wendy. "It must be nighttime now, and the after-school activity kids couldn't even be bothered to wake us up!"

"You fell asleep?!"

"YOU fell asleep too!"

"Well, you probably fell asleep first, you're a lightweight!"

Cartman could practically hear Wendy rolling her eyes.

"Whatever," she said. "Just help me find an exit, or a light switch or something."

Cartman just sat there, listening to Wendy stumble around the halls.

"...are you looking?!" she asked him. "Because I haven't heard you move since you woke up!"

"Uh, YEAH, I'm looking, are YOU? Because YOU haven't found anything! Start pulling your weight before you try and accuse me, bitch."

"That does it! When I get my hands on y- -OUCH!" In her mad dash, Wendy had smashed into another locker.

Cartman laughed at her misfortune, but Wendy followed the sound of his voice and tackled him.

"AHH, WENDY! Get off, get off, get off!" whined Cartman.

But Wendy continued to smack and claw at him. Cartman felt his neck being pulled up, and he felt around blindly for something to hit Wendy with before she ended up killing him. What he grabbed turned out to be the light switch.

When the lights went on, it appeared that Wendy and Cartman were in the janitor's closet. Wendy had Cartman pinned down, sitting on his stomach, and she had a tight grip on his collar.

Cartman saw the pure hatred in Wendy's face, and Wendy saw the true fear in Cartman's. When they looked at each other, their expressions softened instantly.

Slowly, Wendy shoved off of Cartman and sat against the wall, her rage seemingly diminished. He sat down beside her.

"...are you bleeding?" Wendy asked out of the blue.

Cartman hid his surprise at the question. "No, but you are."

"I am?!" Wendy searched her clothes for red stains. "Where?"

"Out your vag- -OW!" Cartman received a hard punch in the arm.

Wendy looked up at the ceiling. "I just...don't get it. Why do guys have to be such assholes? It's SO easy to not be an asshole."

"Not for me, it's not."

Wendy turned her face away from Cartman. "Shut up."

"...okay, fine, Wendy! It's that's how you're gonna be about it! I was just being honest!"

"NOW you decide to be honest," Wendy replied bitterly.

"...yeah!" blurted Cartman. "And I'll keep going, too! I definitely fell asleep before you, I don't give two shits about advocating for men's rights, and I...I don't hate your guts as much as you think I do, okay? It's true...So since I sorta got us into this mess, I'd be willing to compromise."

Wendy turned back to him with hopeful eyes. "Really? You would do that?"

Cartman flinched, not expecting her to react so enthusiastically. She was really passionate about this. "Uhhh, sure, dude."

Wendy grabbed his hand. "Come on! If we work together, we can get out of here!"

The two of them found flashlights in the closet, and started looking around the building for something that could pry open locked doors.

"...hey, Cartman!" Wendy called out.

Cartman found her in Mr. Garrison's classroom. "What is it, ska- -I mean, Wendy?"

"Remember a three days ago, when Mr. Garrison threatened to hit Clyde with that crowbar?"

Cartman chuckled, remembering Clyde's cries of fear. "It's still there?"

Wendy pulled the crowbar out from under the desk, grinning widely.

"Garrison, that crazy bastard."

It took their combined strength, but Cartman and Wendy managed to lever the double doors open using the crowbar. Once outside, they took deep breaths of the fresh night air.

"YES!" shouted Cartman. "We're FREE!"

"Not too bad for a GIRL, huh?" Wendy asked a bit tauntingly.

"No, not bad at all!" Cartman said genuinely. He noticed Wendy's pleasantly surprised expression and quickly added, "F-For a girl! By boy standards, you still kinda suck!"

Wendy deflated a bit, but she wasn't totally discouraged. "So, about that compromise..."

"Yeah, yeah," Cartman waved nonchalantly. "We'll take care of all that crap tomorrow. Right now, I gotta get home and EAT."

"R-Right. Yeah." agreed Wendy. She had just realized how truly exhausted she was. "See you tomorrow."

So, the two of them retreated to their separate homes and their relieved parents, though they were still in each other's thoughts that night.

XXXXXXXTHENEXTDAYXXXXXXX

Principal Victoria stood proudly between Cartman and Wendy up on a stage, with everyone in the school applauding them.

"Strangely enough, thanks to Eric Cartman and Wendy Testaburger, a new policy is being added to the official school rules, prohibiting all forms of sexism or sexist restrictions! This means consequences for all displays of gender discrimination or misogyny, as well as changing all of the bathrooms to unisex bathrooms!"

The students all stopped clapping and made nervous, somewhat disgusted sounds.

"...yeah, we're still working out some bugs. But please!" The principal gestured to Cartman and Wendy. "Applaud these two for their activism and cooperation!"

Everyone cheered for the pair.

Kyle clapped out of pure surprise. "Wow, I can't believe those two actually accomplished something."

"Yeah...yeah!" Stan excitedly faced some of his friends. "This is great, you guys, don't you see? Finally, boys and girls will live in peace with each other!"

They simply stared back.

"A w-week," said Jimmy.

"Half an hour, tops," said Token.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Classes resumed as normal and it felt as though all was right with the world. Cartman watched as Wendy packed up her things for cheerleading, almost in disbelief that their little co-op was through so soon.

Soon, Wendy began walking towards Cartman, and he slightly opened his mouth to say something...but she just passed by him, on her way to the gym.

"I love you, you beautiful creature," he grumbled lowly.

Wendy stopped and turned. "What did you say?"

"I didn't SAY anything, hippie, I just coughed. GOD, get your ears checked."

* * *

(A/N: WOWWWW THIS TURNED OUT A LOT DIFFERENT FROM WHEN I STARTED. There was gonna be this whole thing with a janitor that didn't make sense and this big discussion about PMS, and blahhh it would turn out even LONGER than it already is and all unnecessary.

Hopefully, it's still good, though? Maybe? Please, review and fave to tell me what you thought and check out my profile for more! More Candy in the works! And my Kyman story shall soon be updated~!

Au revoir!)


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